The Mental Well Community Connections: Brandy K.
Tell us a little about yourself—your background, where you are now, and anything that feels important to who you are today.
I’m a 45 year old small business owner, mother and wife. I spent a lot of my younger adulthood not really knowing what I was going “to be” in life. I went to college, I enjoyed life with friends, but it wasn’t until I had my daughter at almost 40 years old, and my father died later that same year, that I finally started to feel like a true adult and it was time to start growing up and getting more grounded. I run a dog walking business and my kids are the most important thing in my life—my awesome stepson who just turned 16, and my sassy, smart daughter who is 6.
What does a “good day” look like for you in this season of life?
A good day to me looks like no crying, me or my kid; no screaming, mostly me; and no unforeseen work issues that derailed my day. Nice, sunny but not too hot weather. Even if I don’t go outside much during the day, a nice day always puts me in a better mood, my moods are very attached to the weather, and cloudy, dreary days really get me down.
What’s something small that has been bringing you joy lately, and why does it matter to you?
To be completely honest, I have been having a stressful few years so it’s been hard to focus on the small things that bring me joy. However, I try to remind myself every day to check in with friends and enjoy a laugh if I can, that helps remind me that I’m not alone, that we’re all out here doing our thing and just trying to get through the day, and sometimes a funny meme or video is all it takes to help snap me out of a small funk.
What is something you’re passionate about when it comes to mental health, and what shaped that perspective?
I believe journaling and therapy are really big parts of mental health, which many people may avoid, simply because those two things feel like work and many people want a quick fix. It’s hard to find time to journal, but getting your feelings out of your head, even if you’re just scribbling nonsense, can sometimes make a huge difference in helping you think more clearly and see things differently if you’re struggling with something on your mind. Therapy is difficult because you have to sometimes “confess” a lot of embarrassing things to virtual stranger, but much like journaling, getting it all out in the open and talking about it really helps. The more you bottle things up and hide it from your friends and family, the worse it will get, you can’t fix it all on your own in your own head.
Can you share a challenge you’ve faced and what it taught you about yourself?
I have had addiction issues since I was young—with food and then with smoking and alcohol. I quit smoking early on and I quit drinking alcohol in 2012 and it was one of my biggest challenges as an adult at the time. But getting through it taught me that I really can just be myself and at the end of the day, the world still spins and nothing changes, I’m still me and I didn’t need alcohol to get me through the day. Losing my father in 2020 was a type of grief I had never experienced before, and I still feel like I’m struggling to understand that. When he died, someone told me that losing a parent never gets easier, it only gets different, and that is truly the best advice I got through much of the initial grieving. Life is different now without him, and I’m scared of when the time comes that I will lose my mother, but I know it’s all a part of life and inevitable. Losing a parent helped me understand myself more as a parent, and also what they must have gone through raising children and losing their own parents over the years, and other close family members.
How do you take care of your mental health in your day-to-day life? What has been most helpful?
I try my best to eat healthy and exercise because the older I get, the more I physically feel the emotional benefits of those things, not just my body feeling healthy, but my mind is more clear and awake. When I eat crummy foods or am not physically active for a few days, or both, I definitely notice a change in my moods and am more sluggish no matter how much sleep I get.
What helps you get through difficult moments?
I try to stop and take deep breaths when I notice myself getting overwhelmed, clenching my jaw, or feeling panicked. I force myself to take a few minutes to breathe and tell myself it’s all going to be ok, even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment. I like to solve puzzles and I like putting together furniture, so when when I’m faced with a difficult emotional moment, I try to face it like I would a puzzle—I take apart the pieces of it and see what I can do to help myself bit by bit instead of focusing on the big picture and getting overwhelmed.
When do you feel most like yourself?
When I’m alone. This sounds sad but it’s honestly not for me. I’ve struggled with social anxieties my whole life and when I’m around other people, even those I’m the most comfortable with and know well, I still struggle with some anxieties or complex emotions, so when I’m truly just by myself, I get to turn off those anxieties and just enjoy being me and myself, and not worry about what other people are doing or thinking.
What does “community” mean to you, and where do you find it in your life?
Community is a complex word. To me, it means the neighborhood I live in but also my friends and family, which have become quite a diverse group, spread out across many states and countries, as I’ve gotten older. Thanks to the internet, I’m able to keep in touch with many lifelong friends that I don’t think I would have stayed in touch with had they moved out of my general area and we didn’t have the option to keep up via social media and video chats, calls etc. I like having a diverse group of friends because it helps me remember that everyone is different, everyone is struggling in their own way, everyone has their own story, and the world is an amazing place that we can constantly learn from.
What’s something you wish more people understood about mental health?
That there’s nothing wrong with admitting there’s something wrong. Even if you feel just a little off, it’s ok to talk about it and want help. There is no universal baseline when it comes to mental health, we can’t compare ourselves to others, we can only know what’s right for ourselves. So when you feel like something isn’t right, there’s nothing wrong with speaking up and asking for help to fix that. Along the same lines, there’s nothing wrong with knowing what is good for you and doing the right thing for yourself, even if others may think it odd or selfish.
What is one habit, routine, or mindset that has made a positive difference in your life?
Truly understanding that other people have their own lives and their own emotions and situations going on, and we all just want to be loved and understood. I try to pass this on to my kids, not necessarily by talking about it but by demonstrating it—like chatting with the weird neighbor that nobody else talks to, or saying hello and being friendly to the cashier at the store even if they’re being cranky. I don’t always succeed, I have bad days and bad moments all the time, but I try my best to keep this in mind every day and it can really make a difference sometimes.
What are you currently working toward or hoping for in the next year or two?
Right now I am focused on a big change I’m making at work that in the long run will hopefully free up more time for myself so that I can spend more time with my family and friends and step away from running the business at times. A lot of small changes need to happen first, and I’m trying my best to stay focused on those and implement them so that the big picture will come out in the next year.
If someone reading this is struggling right now, what would you want them to hear?
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if you’re not sure how to put into words what you’re feeling, it’s ok to tell someone that you are struggling, and that’s the best first step you can take.
Just for fun—what’s your favorite way to spend a free afternoon?
If I have the afternoon to myself—listening to an audiobook or podcast and cleaning the house, just being with my thoughts and enjoying the progress of seeing my house getting cleaned up. Or, let’s be honest, go to Target or IKEA and spend money that I probably shouldn’t spend. If I’m with my family, if it’s a nice day, just being outside or spending time together doing whatever they want to do.
