From Self-Gaslighting to Self-Belief
Last week I called my doctor to finally talk about my PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder) symptoms. Lately, they’ve become harder to manage —yellow flags have turned into red ones. If you’re unfamiliar with PMDD, it’s a severe form of PMS that causes extreme sensitivity to fluctuations in your hormones. Basically, the physical symptoms of PMS become mental and emotional ones. I left a message for my doctor to call me back, and a little over a week went by. When they finally did, they simply scheduled a virtual appointment. After we hung up, I thought, “I guess my message DID warrant an appointment.” That’s when I realized how many thoughts had been running underneath the surface:
“They haven’t called me back yet, so it must not be that bad.”
“I was exaggerating my symptoms.”
”I’m not actually experiencing PMDD.”
“It’s nothing! I am totally fine.”
In the week or more that I was waiting for my doctor to call me back, I was self-gaslighting without even realizing it. Why is that my tendency? Well, as a chronic trying-to-heal fawner, it’s my go-to safe space to keep the peace. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Fly under the radar. Don’t rock the boat.
By this point, I was exhausted—on an emotional rollercoaster I desperately wanted to get off. So, I did what I always do: talked to my therapist. I am actively trying to learn my patterns and habits so I can tone down the patterns and habits that are quick to jump to my rescue. Fawning is my go-to because it kept me safe for many, many years, but I don’t need it to be in hyper-drive all the time now. My therapist has been instrumental in helping me navigate this part of myself.
I’m learning that minimizing my needs doesn’t protect me—it erases me. And taking up space? That’s not just okay. It’s necessary.
Of course, there are still moments when I second-guess myself or hesitate to speak up. But I’m starting to catch those thoughts in real time. I pause and ask myself: Is this really how I feel? Or is this a fear of being “too much”?
Since I initially reached out to my doctor, I’ve confirmed my PMDD symptoms, and I wanted to highlight here that part of self-gaslighting was fearing that a diagnosis would make it real. Maybe you can relate to that fear—the fear of naming the thing that feels “wrong” with you.
Anyway, this whole experience has been deeply introspective, and it reminded me that I can use my voice and that I am not broken. I have permission—from myself—to name what hurts, to ask for help, and to take up space in the healing process. If you’ve ever found yourself downplaying your pain or waiting for some kind of external confirmation that what you're feeling is "real enough" to matter—you’re not alone. So many of us have been taught to shrink ourselves to keep the peace. But we can unlearn that. We can practice saying: This matters. I matter. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when it feels unfamiliar. I'm still practicing, too.
Every time we choose to believe ourselves, it gets a little easier.
