The Mental Well Community Connections: Kelley F.

Tell us a little about yourself—your background, where you are now, and anything that feels important to who you are today.

I'm a widowed mom to two children. I was born and raised in Baltimore, but I live in southern PA now, in a smaller town.
I worked in cybersecurity for 14 years before being laid off, and I've since taken the last 2 years off to focus on my children and our home.

I lost my husband almost 7 years ago and since then, it's been quite the journey to figure out who I am.

What does a “good day” look like for you in this season of life?

A good day - My first thought was, it'd sure look like waking up and NOT being sore.

In reality, a good day is a productive day for me. That looks like a lot of different activities in my world. Staying on top of the daily maintenance of our home rhythms and needs. Having several creative outlets. I make reels, I write for blogs, I paint, or I dance around my kitchen. Spending time focusing more in my chosen faith (includes- podcasts, sermons, studying commentaries, reading original scriptures and learning the history) and a good amount of time outside in the sunshine in my garden.

What’s something small that has been bringing you joy lately, and why does it matter to you?

My lilac bush in full bloom. It smells heavenly and there is something so calming to me about that smell. It's right up against a window and any chance I get to open that window and let the wind blow the fragrance in I take. Also, it's the start of garden season, so I find a lot of joy out there in that corner of my yard and that's where you'll likely find me for the next several months. Studies have shown that getting dirt under your fingernails can act as a natural antidepressant, boosting serotonin and dopamine, helping to reduce anxiety. I'm living proof of that.

What is something you’re passionate about when it comes to mental health, and what shaped that perspective?

I really want to show people that mental health struggles aren't polished or fluffy. There are real struggles and the "just take a bubble bath and manifest good thoughts" advice just doesn't sit right with me. Women, especially, are expected to solve these hard things with soft, self-care that doesn't make anyone else feel uncomfortable when in reality, there is no "Solving" many struggles of life.

I learned this firsthand by living through things that cannot be fixed and existing in the space between functioning and struggling. That place where, on the outside, we seem fine, but inside we are numb and just going through the motions. I think it's made me sensitive to the gap between how people look vs how they are actually feeling.

Can you share a challenge you’ve faced and what it taught you about yourself?

A challenge that is ever-changing in my life is helping my kids grieve the loss of their dad, through my own grief, because grief in children is vastly different than how most adults handle it. Depending on how old they were for the initial loss, children will re-grieve many times over, as their brain develops more. The other thing is you tend to see grief in children through behavior and little changes in them that seem entirely unrelated. That's hard for adults to understand and in older generations especially, they view the child as "bad" or disrespectful when in reality their hearts are hurting and they do NOT know how to help themselves. They move in and out of grief in rapid speed, because they can only handle grief in small doses, and some may bottle it up entirely for protection. I once heard it as "adults sit in grief, children have short visits with it over and over again"

This has taught me to release control over what healing "should" look like and it's taught me to lead with empathy over anything. It's also taught me to grieve openly and not bottle things up because I want to show them healthy ways to process these emotions.

How do you take care of your mental health in your day-to-day life? What has been most helpful?

First- "Be a Plant" - Get a glass of water, go outside, put your bare feet in the grass, look toward the sun and just breath. Take time to drink the water, the way a plant would. Do this for as long as possible, and even multiple times a day.
Second- Embrace what it is you need in hard moments. Is a snack? Get a snack. Would a nap help? Go lay down and close your eyes. I think intuitively our bodies try to tell us what we need. We just have to learn to quiet down enough to listen to it and respond.

What helps you get through difficult moments?

Leaning into my faith is incredibly helpful to me. That has brought me a deep internal peace and joy that cannot be taken away regardless of the circumstances. Also having a few really good friends I can share anything with is pivotal.

When do you feel most like yourself?

Basically, anytime the sun is out and it's above 50 degrees. I deal with seasonal depression pretty heavily as I've gotten older and I usually don't realize how low I get until spring starts to arrive. Then I wake up like a hibernating bear. I really wish it was possible to just isolate and hibernate all winter.
If the sun is shining, I'm far more energetic, and happier.

What does “community” mean to you, and where do you find it in your life?

Community is people I can do life with. It's not about a big circle but about the ones who show up and stay honest. They don't disappear if things are uncomfortable or hard. It's the group you surround yourself with when you need support in some way. They aren't just a spectator of your life; they are helping you carry it. And you, for them.

I've found a lot of friends through our church, and I have a small group of them who I get together with a few times a month and I am lucky enough to have a couple friends from childhood that I am with all the time.

What’s something you wish more people understood about mental health?

I think the chaos of the world we live in, the stress of affordability, job market instability, (i.e.- things in this life we cannot control but effects literally everyone) exacerbates mental health issues. I wish more people realized that it's not JUST a chemical imbalance or a trauma response. It's compounded over time and trauma and so what may seem simple to some seems insurmountable to those struggling.

What is one habit, routine, or mindset that has made a positive difference in your life?

A mindset I have adapted is that I don't have to finish something. It doesn't need to be perfect; I just have to do something. I get ADHD paralysis and I struggle to act upon anything. It's led to some issues for me and it's my biggest hangup in productivity.
So I started singing a little poem in my head.

"Little by little, we do all the things.
This does not mean it gets done all in one day
Little by little move forward the needle
and that's how the work will get done"

What are you currently working toward or hoping for in the next year or two?

I want to find a job doing something I enjoy and makes me feel helpful. I don't want to end up being cog in a wheel where I feel like I am losing a piece of me every day I clock in. I want to have purpose in my job or be making a difference, but that's been challenging to find. In the meantime I'm trying to teach myself to play acoustic guitar.

If someone reading this is struggling right now, what would you want them to hear?

Don't try to fix your whole life today. Pick one small thing and do it. That's enough. Give yourself so much grace and know that you are trying. Even if that isn't evident to everyone, you are still trying, because you are still here.

Just for fun—what’s your favorite way to spend a free afternoon?

Give me an afternoon with friends, grilling out, talking and laughing on the patio, followed by a fire in the fire pit. Feels like perfection to me.

Is there anything else you’d like to share with our community?

Pay attention to what is actually draining you. I found myself lost in shows or on my phone in the name of "resting" but in reality, nothing restful comes from those activities.

I've tried to shift my mindset to realizing there is nothing fruitful in those activities. They are sucking my life away and I have nothing to show for it.

You don't need to earn rest, but you do need to be honest with yourself about avoidance. Those activities for me are avoidance 101.